A Juicy Juxtaposition of Jangling J's
I know what you’re thinking: “What the hell is
‘The A-Z Music Review Revue’?”
It’s been quite some time, my dear friends, hasn’t it? If
you recall from a distant point in your past, I used to write these reviews on a
“somewhat regular basis,” but they kind of dropped off around the letter “I.”
That was about a year and a half ago. I’d like to say that there was a totally
rock n’ roll reason for such a tremendous delay—you know, something like “We
went to rehab and group therapy, and now we’re back and ready to rock even
harder, only now we’re sober, so you know it won’t actually be as good as it was
before when we were pumped full of drugs and booze.” Unfortunately, that’s not
the case (although these reviews admittedly may be lamer than they were before;
you be the judge).
Basically, the reason I have returned to reviewing, as I
outlined in my blog, is to defend my honor. Imagine me as a gentleman Southern
soldier, if you will. So, while walking down the lane with my Southern Belle
Angela one day, out of nowhere appears my turncoat younger brother, Lieutenant
Paulsforth Sitzmanson, a uppity southern dandy if ever there were one.
Paulsforth daintily removes his lacy glove from his left hand, and commences to
delicately use it to slap me in my face, disarranging my Colonel Sanders
moustache and goatee combo. That’s right, gentle reader, my brother has
challenged me to a duel, and I must come out of exile to defend my honor.
Paul has started his own A-Z review series. And he shall
present a formidable challenge. If you’re receiving this email, then you know
that I love to write, but you might not have known that the scroll and feather
is an integral part of the Sitzman blood, and that Paul also has been known to
writeify himself a paragraph or two. You can visit his reviews on his internet
site, and I welcome you to do so. May we both grow in this competition as we
race toward the letter “Z.” And may I totally kick his ass.
I do, admittedly, have a formidable head start, but I also
have various disadvantages vis-à-vis Paul. My disadvantages are actually more of
advantages that Paul has, in that he has access to:
1) The Internet in his own living area
2) Stores in which one can actually purchase CDs (and not just guys at the bus
stop selling backpacks full of bootleg albums)
3) A buttload* of disposable income (*For my American audience, I am sorry to
use this word. To clarify, a “buttload” is a Metric system measurement that is
defined as “All that you can cram up in that ol’ ass o’ yours”…the equivalent in
the Imperial system would be approximately the size of two turkeys filled with
disposable income)
In the end, though, these are all just excuses. If I have
to work harder to find music in this Reggaeton-loving musical hell, then so be
it. Best of luck to Paul.
In any case, let’s get the usual formalititties out of the way. First of all,
this is obviously the “J” review, which means that I’ve now officially gotten 10
letters down, and I have 19 more to go (that’s right, I’m going balls to the
wall and planning to get all the ümläüts, too…watch out Päül, and watch out, all
you German and Swedish bands!).
As a reminder, since it’s been a while since the last
review came out, I must note again that these reviews and also my blog and
website contain the occasional bit of profanity, and are thus not necessarily
suitable for kids. Then again, since it has been a while, I must
also recognize that some of the kids for whom these emails were originally
unsuitable may have grown up in the meantime, and some of them may even have
children of their own. If that is the case, then this review might be
inappropriate for those new kids.
Finally, this review is very long. You’ll see why shortly.
In any case, definitely don’t read it all at once. A boy named Peter Michaelson
from India
read it all at once, and his eyes started bleeding and now he can’t get a
girlfriend. So, take it one chunk at a time. Now, let’s get this show on the
road!
JEM – “FINALLY WOKEN”
In October of 2006 I went to
Florida
for three days to renew my Costa Rican visa. While I was there, I popped into a
Warehouse Music store in Gainesville
to pick up a few CDs. I had just recently finished the “I” review, and I felt I
was on a music-review-writing roll that I wanted to keep going. So, I saw this
CD at the store, and I immediately thought, “Hmm, wasn’t there a girly cartoon
called ‘Jem’ in the 80s”? My eyes lit up at this idea, mainly because some of
(what I consider to be) my more interesting music reviews have stemmed from
music that was, arguably, both girly and terrible. I took a small pile of CDs to
the counter and asked the clerk if she knew anything about the Jem one. Mainly,
I was turned off by the price tag; I don’t mind buying lame music if it’s got a
purpose, but even $5.99 seemed a bit too much for something that I entirely
expected to suck. To my surprise, the salesgirl replied that “Finally Woken” was
a great CD, and that she’d definitely recommend it. To my even greater surprise,
the girl was right.
Now, as a disclaimer, let me mention that for me, Jem
could be categorized in the same group of musicians as the Corrs,
Texas, and Atomic Kitten. And I’m not even referring to
what the music sounds like; that’s irrelevant. Instead, this musical grouping
could also be called “Music That Makes Your Friends Mock You Just Because You
Own It.” Not that I’m afraid to admit that I own or enjoy music by all of these
bands and artists; but it does just seem like if I say that I really enjoy music
by a girl named “Jem,” I could be inviting some ridicule or even an ass-kicking
if I’m not careful. Fortunately for me, most of these groups are hardly popular
in the US, and even less so
in Costa Rica.
Therefore, owning one of their albums doesn’t raise nearly as many red flags as
an N*SYNC or Backstreet Boys disc might (and no, I don’t have CDs by either of
those bands…I’m not a pussy, after all).
So, although owning this album might put you in a dubious
social standing with your friends, it is nonetheless quite pleasant, sonically
speaking. The songs are generally poppy, but not the bubblegum pop that you’ll
find with many popular bands (which is probably why Jem was never popular, as
far as I can tell). Some songs, such as “Save Me” or “Just A Ride,” even employ
beats and instruments that make it sound more like a rock album, and the song
“24” is more like a hip-hop song with a prominent violin accompaniment. “24”
also falls into a very elite classification of music: The Countdown To Death
Song. This category has been made famous by songs like Johnny Cash’s “25 Minutes
to Go” or even the classic children’s song “99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall.” In
these songs, a continually decreasing number of minutes (or bottles of beer) are
left in the singer’s life, and at the end of the song, the singer dies
(presumably either from execution or severe alcohol poisoning).
The point here is that Jem actually has a surprising
range, and the CD is fairly eclectic. The tune “Just A Ride” is a tribute to the
comedian Bill Hicks, which earns her a bit of cred and cancels out some of the
“pink” elements of the album. At times, the changes between songs and styles are
jarring, like when she follows up the morose ballad “Miss You” with the bouncy
carousel ride “Wish I.” Just after you’ve already swallowed the poison, you see
that the circus is coming to town! But in terms of girly pop, this CD is
refreshing in that it’s not all love-y upbeat numbers or boy-crazy ballads.
Also, I think she may even write her own music (or else it’s just a remarkable
coincidence that the person who writes her music is named “Jem Griffiths,”
according to the liner notes).
So, what is the best situation in which to listen to this
gem called Jem? Well, it reminds me of playing Snood on my computer while I was
living at Abuela’s house, and as a matter of fact, this album is just perfect
for doing exactly that.
ANTÔNIO CARLOS JOBIM – (JAPANESE TITLE): “STONE
FLOWER”
ANTÔNIO CARLOS JOBIM – “FOTOGRAFIA” (DOUBLE DISC)
As a forewarning, this review will probably be
shorts and disjointed. You see, I bought “Stone Flower” on the same trip as the
Jem CD, but I mainly just bought it because it was written all in Japanese
except for Jobim’s name. Interesting, right? Kind of. We’ll get to that in a
second. And what about the other double CD? I bought them at some point, or was
maybe even given them as a gift, when I made a new year’s resolution in 2006 to
get into Brazilian music.
Well, as you can imagine, both the CDs and my new year’s
resolution didn’t work out quite as I expected. I have been able to come to a
few conclusions, though. First of all, I seem to like Bossa Nova, but when it
gets too close to jazz, or at least what my ear might perceive as being jazzy,
then it’s a definite no-go for me. I don’t like jazz. Try as I might, I just
don’t. Sorry. Because of this, I don’t care very much for “Stone Flower.” It
might be that my ear is just ignert and untrained, but it sounds jazzy, so I
don’t dig it.
“Stone Flower” might work OK as background music for a
specific situation, but the problem with this is three-fold: 1) If I’m in a
situation where I need quiet music (say, if I’m reading), I might simply be
better off without music, because this album is just loud enough to distract
you; 2) If I’m in a situation where the volume or style of music can be louder
(say, if I’m baking cookies), then I’ll probably just choose some good baking
music like Rage Against the Machine; 3) Why even consciously seek out music if
you’re just going to put it in the background?
This problem, fortunately, is somewhat solved by the
double disc of “Fotografia.” It’s a sort of Jobim greatest hits collection, and
it does deliver the Bossa Nova goods. And it’s got words, which is enough in my
mind to distinguish it and elevate it highly over “Stone Flower.” As with any
style of music, though, 2 discs of a single genre in a language you don’t
understand can be a bit excessive, but if you listen to it in chunks of four
songs, it might be just what you need. And if you do chose to relegate it to the
background, at least pretend that you’re in the 1960s, and you’re putting it on
to “set the mood” so that you can “make it” with your “lady” (When they say
“make it,” they mean “Have a conversation about the aesthetic merits of jazz
versus Bossa Nova,” right?)
ELTON JOHN – TUMBLEWEED CONNECTION
ELTON JOHN – DON’T SHOOT ME, I’M ONLY THE PIANO PLAYER
As you notice the number of CDs in this review begin to
pile up, then you’ll possibly begin to think that I definitely overdid it a bit
in my zeal to have a broad spectrum of “J” CDs. This would definitely be a fair
criticism. In order to not bore you to death, and to hopefully keep this review
to the standard 5 pages or so, let me just say the following about these two
CDs:
I bought these two albums because I love Elton John’s
music, and because of that, I definitely like them. Arguably, the only
commercially popular songs on these two CDs are probably “Daniel,” “Crocodile
Rock,” and maybe (just maybe!) “Teacher I Need You,” and all are on “Don’t Shoot
Me…” However, I’d argue that those are actually three of the weakest and least
interesting songs between the two albums. You can keep them, as long as you
leave me the likes of “Country Comfort” (Elton’s best ballad this side of “Tiny
Dancer”) and “Texas Love Song,” which is a slow, banjo-fucking hick anthem whose
chorus ends with “Goddammit, we’re all gonna die.” The stronger of these two
albums is “Tumbleweed Connection,” which is strange because when talking to
friends about Elton in the past, that album was always the one that no one
seemed to have. Well, don’t let the shit-kicking name scare you off, because
it’s definitely worth a listen. At that time of his career, Elton could
basically do no wrong, and these two albums are no exception to that rule.
JURASSIC 5 – “FEEDBACK”
Do you ever notice that sometimes a CD that is only
averagely good--I’m looking in your direction, Basement Jaxx’s “Remedy”--becomes
almost great simply because it has a cool cover? Or is it only me? Either way,
this CD has a cool cover. I conservatively estimate that I enjoy the album 20%
more if I’m holding the cover in my hands in front of me, and I still even enjoy
it about 10% more if I can look at the cover on the itunes screen.
The cool cover aside, the album’s sound is pretty decent,
but not necessarily anything to write home about (Note to my mom,
Phylis: this is officially why I’ve not written in quite some time; I just can’t
seem to find any of those slamming hip-hop beats you love to read about!).
Still, “Feedback” certainly has a speakerful of tight beats and bouncy rhymes,
and many songs are better than average. The song “Brown Girl” isn’t one of them,
though. It’s one of those hip-hoppy songs that tries to fit into some shitty
crossover trend (think Black Eyed Peas or Nelly Furtado here). Then there’s the
song “Gotta Understand,” which has a high-pitched, repetitive woman’s voice that
says “Ya got to…you got to…under…understand.” Finally, you’ve got “In The
House,” which finishes with some guy wailing about “monaaaaay” at the end, and
he’s also annoying as shit. Basically, it’s a pretty good album punctuated by
some really annoying moments.
On the other hand, “Feedback” does have its share of high
points. “Get It Together” and “Red Hot” are simply really good hip-hop songs.
There’s no other way to put it. “Work It Out” is a smooth-bouncing jam with Dave
Matthews Band, and in fact it’s exactly what you’d imagine a collaboration
between Dave Matthews Band and Jurassic 5 to sounds like: it gets the job done,
but in a very non-spectacular fashion. And finally, the song “Where We At” is an
interesting account of the status of rap music today. Right?
Basically, if you’re looking to get a decent hip-hop
album, this one might fill that ticket. But if the main thing you’re looking for
is the best Jurassic 5 album, leave this one on the shelf and grab “Power In
Numbers” or “Quality Control.”
JUDAS PRIEST – “SCREAMING FOR VENGEANCE”
JUDAS PRIEST – “PRIEST…LIVE!”
JUDAS PRIEST – “DEFENDERS OF THE FAITH”
JUDAS PRIEST – “HELL BENT FOR LEATHER”
Wow, four Judas Priest CDs. When you look at it that way,
it almost seems embarrassing.
As you can tell, when I was collecting “J” CDs, I got into
the Priest a bit. I was fresh off my Iron Maiden binge from the “I” review, and
I guess I didn’t notice I’d gotten carried away. Not to say that these CDs are
bad or anything, but having so many CDs by a band that is generally
misunderstood by people that don’t know about them--just like Maiden—could
probably warrant a bit of explanation.
My explanation: Judas Priest, just like Iron Maiden,
Metallica, Black Sabbath, Megadeth, and countless other heavy metal bands, gets
a great deal of their bad or even “evil” reputation
based on people’s
perceptions of the groups’
from their
names, logos, album covers, fan T-shirts, and even
their
mascots. From what I can tell, though, there’s nothing terribly dark
about Priest except their name; in fact, when people associate these bands with
evil or the devil or mutilation or suicide or any number of stupid things, it’s
really just going to result in one thing in the end: more mystique and
popularity for the bands.
So, let’s forget the images and all the other baggage that
comes with a band called “Judas Priest” and concentrate on the pure sonic merit
(or lack thereof) in these four CDs. Basically, the band plays straightforward,
loud, heavy, metal, rock music. Priest is all about making noise, and sometimes
they even go to near-absurd extremes to make deafening noises. And that’s what
makes them great. They’re the type of group that doesn’t simply rock; instead,
they “RAAAWWWK!” And one thing that makes them even better is that, contrary to
the practice of countless lame rock songs, Priest generally seems to stop short
of proclaiming either how hard they rock or telling you that they will, in fact,
rock you, if given the chance. I can’t count the number of groups that have
songs wherein the band tells you they rock…just fucking do it! If
you rock, then rock! Don’t give me a discourse on rocking!
The other great thing about Judas Priest? The vocals.
“Screaming for Vengeance” might more appropriately be called “Screeching For
Vengeance.” I don’t know if you’re into screeching music,
but I am. The screech has a long, noble tradition in rock music, from pioneers
in the 70s like James Brown and Tina Turner, to Axl Rose in the 80s, and finally
to modern screechers like Celine Dion. Priest can screech like none other. Nary
a verse goes by without a good, solid wail akin to the sound of a cat in heat
being roasted alive. God designed Priest’s windpipes to screech, and if they’re
not screeching, then they’re not rocking you to your full rockability potential
quotient (rpq). Even the live CD has ample screeching, and the lead singer
invites the crowd to join in on a preposterously screechy screech-a-long in the
break between “Living After Midnight” and “You’ve Got Another Thing Coming.”
In short, I think these CDs are great. They’re loud,
British, brutish (but not brutal), and stupid, but that’s exactly what makes
them great. If you need to choose one of the four, probably go for the Live one,
mainly because it’s the most complete, both in titles and in screaming. And when
you get it, play it in your car while you drive down the highway with your
windows rolled down. Because after all, that’s what this music is made for.
SOUNDTRACK – “JESUS CHRIST SUPERSTAR” (1973 MOVIE
VERSION)
I’m just gonna come out and say it: this might be the
best music ever written. I absolutely love the music of Jesus
Christ Superstar, especially the movie version. I could probably talk about and
deconstruct both the music and the movie until the actual second coming of
Christ, so I’ll try to keep it in moderation for this review. But I’ve already
decided that JCS is a topic that I’ll have to cover in much more detail at a
different time, in a different venue. Having said that, I still want to say a
few things.
First of all, I’ve decided that if you like this movie,
then I’ll probably get along with you very well. I’ve had a surprising number of
Jesus Christ Superstar-themed conversations with many people who I would have
never thought would have liked the movie. Curiously, though, if you don’t like
this movie, that’s not automatically bad; Angela, for example, is the most
prominent JCS detractor in my life. I have also noticed that you don’t
necessarily need to be a hardcore Jesus Freak--or even a Christian, for that
matter—to enjoy this movie or its music.
One recent example is my coworker Luis. He also lives in
San Ramón, so we’ve been commuting together to save on gas money. So the other
day, we were talking about 60s and 70s music, and I asked him something like, “I
know it’s kinda cheesy, but have you ever heard of the musical ‘Jesus Christ
Superstar’?” Luis basically shit all over my car in excitement, as they say, in
his attempt to express his deep admiration for this musical. And he’s basically
an atheist. I happened to have in my ipod a version of the JCS soundtrack that I
picked up in Stockholm,
of all places, so I put it on. I thought Luis was going to cry. As we were
listening, though, I realized that many of the best songs from the movie were
missing, and in fact, there were only about 12 tracks, out of a total of 26. To
add to that, it was a theatrical version, and it just didn’t sound as good as
the versions of the songs from the 1973 film.
So, I set out to download the complete, 26-song JCS movie
soundtrack. This, as you can probably guess, is rather hard to do it you don’t
have internet. But right now as I write this, I’ve finally gotten a good
connection here at an internet café in San Ramón, and I actually purchased the
song from amazon.com’s mp3 department. Although the process had some initial
snags, in the end all the songs came through, and the normally double-disc album
ended up costing 18 dollars. Not too bad. And the music? Definitely not too
bad…not too bad at all.
Wait, it’s great! As I said before, I will definitely get
more into JCS soon either on my blog (http://sitzblog.blogspot.com) or website
(www.ryansitzman.com). I will therefore only mention three things that I noticed
on my latest listen to this album:
1. In the movie, Jesus is obviously the focus, but in the music, it is
painfully obvious that Carl Anderson, the guy who plays Judas’ part, has got the
bigger chops. I’m wondering if, instead of the Judas Priest albums mentioned
before, this album is actually the “evil” one; should I feel bad for thinking
that Judas’ part is totally awesome?
2. The musical Jesus Christ Superstar is actually a sort of confusing story,
since Jesus is presented to three different sets of authorities in the songs
“This Jesus Must Die,” “Pilate and Christ,” and “King Herod’s Song,”
respectively. It would seem that Jerusalem
of 32 AD was essentially a bureaucratic nightmare as big as modern
Costa Rica.
3. The musical definitely approaches much of the subject matter through the
eyes of Judas, and his character is definitely not always a negative one. In
fact, the more you listen to this music, the more you begin to sympathize with
Judas and wonder if he really was just looking out for Jesus’ best interests:
Was Judas Framed?
That’s all I’ll mention about this album for now. If
you’ve not heard the JCS music, it stands on its own with no real problem at
all. But, if you can get your hands on the movie, it enhances the music 10-fold.
At the very least, you can watch tanks chase Judas down a hill, be astounded by
hippies dancing in slow-motion freeze-frame shots, and have your breath taken
away by a chubby, sunburned King Herod. In summary: Jesus IS my homeboy, and
with music like this on his side, he should be yours, too!
So folks, that’s about it for now. I really thank you for
the patience and support that it took for me to write this email (and that it
took for you to make it through the whole thing). I’ll try to get some Krispy
K’s for you as soon as possible! Until then, take care, and listen to some music
for me!
-Ryan