The Appalling A's
Hey there everyone. This is Ryan Sitzman, and here is the long-awaited,
much-hyped, and already-overrated first edition of my alphabetical music
reviews. I have even come up with a snappy name for this whole exercise in
stupidity: “The A-Z Music Review Revue.”
Well, I’m just going to wing it and see how this turns out. I guess it’ll be a
learning process. Along the way, I will always welcome your comments or
feedback, but just so you know, I might not pay any attention to them. I run my
email lists like I drive my bus: it’s not a democracy, it’s a fascist
dictatorship. But I’ll be happy to steal any good ideas that you have.
Since this is the first issue of this email, I have decided to pull out all the
stops and get down and dirty. That’s right, not only do I have a CD to review
for you, but rather I have FOUR CDs to review! As will be the case with this
whole concept, I have chosen CDs by an artist whose last name starts with “A,”
or a group whose name starts with an “A.”
It only seems like a few days ago that I entered Secondspin.com to buy these
CDs, and that’s probably because it WAS only a few days ago. But in the meantime
I have learned so much—not only about music, but also about myself. That’s why I
feel compelled to share this newfound wisdom with you all.
So, a few days back, I was on campus for an appointment. While I was in the
meeting, it started snowing like mad. This was particularly surprising, because
I had no idea that it was even meant to snow at all that day. Then again, the
only TV show I really watch with any semi-frequency is “The Daily Show” on
Comedy Central, and it’s not particularly renowned for it’s local weather
coverage. So, whether the snow was a surprise for everyone else, or just me, I
wanted to get out of that cold white crap. I remembered that just at the edge of
CU’s campus, there was a record store called
Secondspin.com. I
initially had avoided this store because the name just seemed so stupid, what
with the “.com” and all, despite the fact that it was an actual store based on
actual earth, and not just in cyberspace. I had actually been in there once or
twice, but didn’t remember it to be especially good, as they didn’t have the
specific Cyndi Lauper CD I was looking for that day. But, in order to get out of
the elements, I decided to duck in and check it out once more anyhow. I’m glad I
did.
As I perused the many CDs they had, I remembered that I had to get a CD from the
“A” section, so I headed over there. I then discovered one thing that I
particularly liked about the store: the new and used CDs are mixed in with each
other. That may annoy the particularly anal-retentive people out there, but I
thought it was good because I didn’t have to rush back and forth between new and
used sections to check on individual CDs. Less movement = better.
So, although I had only intended to pick up one CD that day, I ran into a few
extra gems, and I figured, “What the hell—this is for the good people of The A-Z
Music Review Revue list, and although I may not deserve or be able to afford
four CDs, THEY deserve it.” The first CD that I came across was a beauty by the
group Air, called “Talkie Walkie.”
AIR – “TALKIE WALKIE”
When I say the Air CD is a beauty, I mean it’s a beauty, eh. This CD’s specific
beauty was amplified by its sheer eurotrash look. The eurotrash effect starts
with the CD cover, where we see two slightly ugly, but maybe slightly handsome
Frenchmen looking pensive and thoughtful. How do I know they are thoughtful?
Well, they are wearing sport coats and leather gloves.
And if that doesn’t say “thoughtful” to you, then dammit, what DOES?
Looking deeper into the CD’s liner notes, we discover two fun facts:
1. The Frenchmen are named Jean-Benoít Dunckel and Nicolas Godin.
2. Jean-Benoít and Nicolas are REALLY eurotrash.
But eurotrash or not, this CD proves to be really good, and I like it a lot. The
first exposure I had to Air was through a wall in the dorms. This English guy
named Simon who lived next door would occasionally play his bass-laden music,
and it would sometimes be audible thorough the cement bricks that made up our
wall. Among the songs he played was Sexy Boy, from Air’s album “Moon Safari.” I
didn’t think of Air much in the subsequent years until I phoned my current
roommate Julien at his old place of work, a hair salon that redefined the word
“eurotrash” for American audiences. When he put me on hold, a song from “Moon
Safari” was playing, and I was hooked.
“Talkie Walkie” sort of revisits the soft, melodic, and incredibly laid-back
electronica style of “Moon Safari.” The group had walked a slightly different
road when they made “10,000 Hz Legend,” where they used a sound that was harsher
overall, including a song sung by a person with a tracheotomy (at least I’m
pretty sure that’s what was going on). That album was still very good, but it
didn’t want to lull me into sweet, ever-so-sweet slumber like “Moon Safari”
attempted to do. “Talkie Walkie” takes elements of both of these albums and come
out with what I think may be their most enjoyable album yet.
If “Moon Safari” wanted to soothe me to sleep, “Talkie Wakie” wants to take me
away to a wonderful, far-off place. Even many of the song titles—“Venus,” “Run,”
“Universal Traveler,” “Surfing on a Rocket,” and “Alone in Kyoto”—make me feel
like I’m in a magical, colorful place where people float around in enchanted
bubbles and wear vintage hats. I would be hard-pressed to come up with a better
CD to fit the following scenario: I come home from work/school, and I’m really
worn out. I’ve been lifting pottery all day, and listening to inane conversation
in my class, and now that I’m home, all I want to do is chill out. I’d like to
pop in a CD, collapse on the couch, and take a 45-minute nap in the setting sun.
But which CD do I put in?? Oh, my friend. You better believe I slide old “Talkie
Walkie” into the player and just CHILL.
After I came across “Talkie Walkie,” which was the only new CD of the bunch, I
decided to look around the store a bit more, as it was still snowing like a
bastard outside. And lo and behold, I came across a CD by Atomic Kitten:
ATOMIC KITTEN – “ATOMIC KITTEN” ($5.99, used)
So, this is where the embarrassing part of this email starts. I like Atomic
Kitten. In fact, this email becomes even more embarrassing when I mention that
this wasn’t the first Atomic Kitten CD that I’ve bought. An example of how most
people react to me talking about Atomic Kitten: When I told my friend Bobby that
I had just gotten my first Atomic Kitten single, he simply said, “Alright. You
just forfeited your testicles.”
If you’ve not heard of Atomic Kitten, then…well, you might like it better that
way. If you’re not into lame, girly europop in general, then this CD is
definitely not for you. But since I like almost all music (a fact that makes it
hard for me to be a discerning music critic, I must admit), I AM into lame,
girly europop. And Atomic Kitten fits that title to a T. For those not in the
know, Atomic Kitten is a trio from Great Britain. Or I might say it WAS a trio
from Great Britain—the rumor mill tells me that they’ve broken up, an idea that
I bemoan and refuse to recognize. However, it may all be for the better if they
are broken up, since it is thoroughly embarrassing and degrading imagining me at
an Atomic Kitten concert, surrounded by 12-year-old girls, and screaming like
one, too.
Since I’m not paid to do this crap, I don’t really do much research, and until I
start getting checks from all of you, then I don’t plan to start researching,
either. Unfortunately, though, this means that I don’t know too much about
Atomic Kitten. I know that the other CD of theirs I have is called “Right Now,”
and that I got it in Germany after I saw one of their (admittedly atrocious)
videos on MTV Europe. This self-titled CD was released last year and is a
compilation of their music, and therefore has a few songs from “Right Now.”
Fortunately, it’s also got some songs that I didn’t have, and that’s why I
decided to buy it. The opening song, “It’s OK,” is sublime in its
euro-breakup-ballad mediocrity. And that’s why I love it. That song, along with
most of the album, has all sorts of synthesized effects, and the voices of Liz,
Natasha, and Jenny (OK, I did do a bit of research) seem to be afterthoughts.
But so it is with eurotrash.
The rest of the CD is just as good, or bad, depending on your point of view. I
think track 3, “Tide is High (Get the Feeling)” is a cover, but once you hear
it, it’ll redefine the way you think of “Tide is High (Get the Feeling),” if you
had thought about it before, that is. Another notable track is “Eternal Flame,”
originally done by The Bangles. I like the Bangles, but due to my messy, public
feud with Bangles vocalist Susanna Hoffs, I don’t feel like I owe them any
loyalty, so I must say that I like Atomic Kitten’s version better. The remaining
songs remind me of my CDs by Kylie Minogue or The Corrs: although I may like
them a lot, I’ll probably be embarrassed to own them in ten years. And you can
be sure that in the meantime, Bobby will give me a lot of shit for owning them.
After I grabbed “Atomic Kitten,” I said to myself that two CDs were quite enough
for one day, and that I should leave. However, it was still snowing like mad,
and as I looked outside and imagined scraping off my car, standing in flurries
of that white crap, I decided to walk around the store for a few more minutes.
As long as I promised myself to not buy anything, I’d be OK, I reasoned. But
that’s when I discovered the “1.99 Rack.”
ACE OF BASE – “THE SIGN” ($1.99, used)
And I thought that it was embarrassing to admit that I owned Atomic Kitten and
Kylie Minogue CDs… OK, here’s the deal. Everyone hated Ace of Base, at least
after their initial popularity plummeted. That event that happened circa 1995,
as far as I can remember. Like I said, EVERYONE hated Ace of Base then, and I,
being a sheep, joined in the conversations which derided them. And who among us
didn’t call them “Ass of Bass” at least once? Even now, looking at the liner
notes, I don’t see a picture of a music group; I see a picture of four Swedes
that I would like to punch. And I love Swedes! So, you’re probably wondering
why, if I hated Ace of Base, did I buy their CD? The answer, dear reader, is
called “music homework.”
I’m not sure if my friend Zach came up with the idea of music homework, but he’s
the first person I ever heard talk about it. One day, I came home with a Velvet
Underground CD, even though I’d never heard anything by The Velvet Underground.
I had trouble explaining my reasoning, but he simply chalked it up to “musical
homework.” He said that sometimes, if you’re a serious music enthusiast, it’s
good to go out on a limb and try different music that you haven’t heard before,
or are just curious about. So, although I had heard of Ace of Base, and although
I knew that I didn’t like them, I thought it would still be a good idea to find
out WHY I didn’t like them. Plus, I figured it might make an interesting review.
I must admit, though, that there’s a lot about this CD that I don’t mind and,
dare I say it, even like. This was the CD that I listened to on the drive home
from the CD store. Since it was still snowing, Highway 36 was backed up, and
traffic came to a standstill. As I looked out at the taillights of the car in
front of me, their red glow interrupted by the continuous barrage of snowfall, I
realized that I might have possibly achieved the perfect setting for Ace of Base
music. Perhaps the darkness was accentuated and enhanced by the diffracted
lights, but all I know is
this: Suddenly I wasn’t in my car on the freeway; I was in a disco in Göteborg,
and the year was 1993. As the kids say, I bumped that shit. And for a few
beautiful minutes, “Don’t Turn Around,” “The Sign,” and “All That She Wants”
healed my soul and soothed what ailed me. Suddenly I realized why so many people
had liked Ace of Base when they first came out.
This feeling, however, was eventually countered by the realization that the rest
of the CD, try as it might, gets a bit repetitive. I suppose the fact that I
found it in the $1.99 bin could have been my first clue. The second half of the
disc just isn’t that good, but when I looked at the liner notes and saw the
names of people that the band wanted to thank, I got lost in a sea of Swedish
Å’s, Ä’s, and Ö’s. This game lasted a while, and in the meantime I was able to
drown out the repetitive dance beats streaming out of my stereo.
PAULA ABDUL – “SPELLBOUND” ($1.99, used)
“Maybe I don’t like hurting other peoples’ feelings, even if they’re
celebrities.” That idea came to mind as I listened to “Spellbound,” trying to
find something I liked about the CD. And, admittedly, I did find a few songs
that I thought were good. And for $1.99, I really can’t complain.
But for a CD that I had high hopes for, I was a bit under-impressed.
I’m not sure why I thought this would be a good CD. Maybe it’s because I respect
my friend Zach’s opinion, and the first concert that he went to was a Paula
Abdul / Color Me Badd doubleheader (sorry, man). Then again, he didn’t say the
concert was GOOD. Or maybe it was because I have fond memories from my youth of
the music video where Paula dances around with that animated cat and sings the
song about taking two steps forward, while he takes two back (or something like
that).
Whatever the reason, this CD just didn’t quite do it for me. I felt, for some
reason, like this whole album was a lost B-side to Janet Jackson’s “Rhythm
Nation,” which I like a lot. I liked the first song, “The Promise of a New Day,”
but that was also the only song I listened to while in the store. I also think I
remember hearing “Rush Rush” when I came out, but I think I hated it cause it
was sappy pseudo-R&B crap. I guess it’s not too bad now, but it’s not too great,
either. I must have heard “Alright Tonight” back then as well, because I
recognized it a little, in a good way.
However, I think that even if I don’t like all of this CD, I can easily chalk it
up to “musical homework,” also.
Well folks, that’s it for the first edition. I hope you liked it, and that it
wasn’t too long. The next one will probably be shorter, and may take a second
week to get there, as I’ll be going away for a few days.
Take care,
Ryan